One of the first things I noticed when I recently read Scott Barry Kaufman’s book, Transcend, was that he dedicated the book to Abraham Maslow, “a dear friend I have never met.” In his preface Kaufman describes Maslow’s definition of a friend as someone who “is truly need-gratifying and whose needs you want to gratify in return.” Maslow also described a higher level of friendship that can be possible when you have love, admiration or respect for someone you have never met, but consider a friend. Kaufman recounted a story about Maslow speaking to an audience. Maslow said “It could be said that I have love for William James. It happens sometimes, when I talk about him in such an affectionate way that people ask me ‘Did you know him?’ [To which I reply,] ‘Yes.’ [Audience laughs.] ‘Which [of course’ I couldn’t have.” (James died in 1910)!
Recently I was directed to The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows which is a website, YouTube Channel, and is becoming a book (Simon and Schuster will be publishing it). It was created by John Koenig, who creates new words for emotions. Koenig created the word “moledro” that covers part of what I am talking about,with the definition “n. a feeling of resonant connection with an author or artist you’ll never meet, who may have lived centuries ago and thousands of miles away but can still get inside your head and leave behind morsels of their experience, like the little piles of stones left by hikers that mark a hidden path through unfamiliar territory.”
Recently I had a chance to ask a group of friends online if they had ever felt a close connection with someone they had never met, and I got a variety of answers ranging from Herbie Hancock (jazz musician), Bill Evans (jazz pianist and composer), Barack Obama (former US president), Mary Parker Follett (social worker and “mother of modern management theory”), John Lennon (singer/songwriter), Thelonious Monk (jazz pianist), Jane Kiskaddon (visual artist) to Robin Williams (comedian/actor). All of them felt that they had a connection that was close enough to call the person a friend. Other people have mentioned feeling a connection to an author, or an historic or religious figure.
In one case, my friend talked with another friend about her feeling of connection to an artist’s work, and it turned out that the friend to whom she was speaking knew the artist, and offered to introduce her. My friend met the artist and they shared much in common. At the end of their meeting, the artist gave her a copy of a book of her work. Now my friend looks at photos of the artwork each night before retiring. There truly was a close connection..
What is friendship? In order to determine if these strong feelings of connection qualify as friendship, it is important to consider exactly what friendship is. Friendship involves mutual trust and respect. In friendship, one feels that they can be their authentic self without receiving negative judgments. Friends have empathy. Friends are good listeners and are truly present with you. A friend will tell you the truth, even when it is difficult. With a true friend, you feel they prioritize their relationship with you. They share their feelings and are accepting of you when you share your feelings. They are there for you in your greatest time of need. With a friend you feel you can truly be yourself.
On a rare occasion, you might feel friendship with someone you have not ever met. Have you ever felt that way? If so, I’d like to hear about it. It occurs to me that during these times when we are asked to limit our contact with others, relying on our friends we have not met may be a comfort to us.
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